Marital Separation

It started with work on what happens when one member of a couple dies.  What’s the process by which the bereaved person reconstructs their life?  This led Robert Weiss to a broader study of all Marital Separation, inclusive of divorce.  (For more on divorce, see the book, Divorce.)  Weiss’ focus remained on the transformations that the bereaved make to cope with their new circumstances.

Social Responsibility

The way that we see the institution of marriage varies by society, culture, and time.  Our beliefs about social structures and love are subject to similar kinds of forces.  (See Anatomy of Love for more.)  Arranged marriages are all but gone in America though they remain the standard in other parts of the world.  In America, we believe that we should marry for love.  Marriage is about two people who fall madly in love and decide that they want to make the commitment to sustain that love over a lifetime – at least in theory.

This perspective is one of individual desires and economic advancement.  It’s not a social responsibility.  These are the words that Weiss uses, insisting that we’ve de-sacralized marriage.  He believes that the no-fault divorce has allowed us an easy escape from a difficult patch in a marriage.  The data on divorce rates dramatically increased following the acceptance of no-fault divorce.

His point is that individuals are so focused on the impact to their happiness that they don’t recognize and account for the impact that their decisions to get – and stay – married has on others.

When it Breaks

Weiss starts with separations and the disruption this causes to both parties and to any children that may be a part of the marriage.  His data points to half of the separations ending in divorce.  Similar concerns can be raised when one member of the couple encounters a life-threatening disease and dies.  There’s expected impairment of reason, rationale, and logic.  (One that attorneys lament when they’re engaged.)  This is, of course, trauma.  (See Trauma and Recovery for more on trauma.)

Regardless of the cause, the remaining parties develop their own accounts – their own stories – about what transpired that has left them decoupled.  James Pennebaker’s research illuminates the need for creating our own narratives of every serious situation that we survive, particularly traumas.  (See Opening Up.)

What is interesting about these accounts for a couple that is separated or divorced is that they often agree on the things that happened but differ in their interpretation of them.  The meaning that each party creates around the actual things that happened can be quite radically different.

The Ties

Weiss speaks of many times when couples would separate or divorce only to come back together for support – or sexual relationships.  It’s hard to separate permanently from someone who you’ve been so close to, so reconnections are common.  In some cases, Weiss reports that people speak of their ability to be friends or sexual partners with their former spouse – even if they know they can’t be husband and wife.

There is one exception to this which is if the person is understood to become intrinsically different.  That is, the person they are now is separate and distinct from the person that you fell in love with and the person with whom you have shared a relationship.  This can be because of extreme behavior or a substantial betrayal, which leaves you wondering how much you knew about the other person.

Rage

Anger is disappointment directed.  (See Destructive Emotions.)  Rage is often when you have a need that’s not being met.  Rage between separated parties often occurs if there’s an unfulfilled need that continues.  The need can be material or financial, emotional, or sexual.  These unmet needs create more and more pressure on the individual until they’re no longer able to be contained and they erupt as rage.

Family of Origin

While not the language Weiss uses, more contemporary language calls the family you grew up in your “family of origin.”  With some tragic exceptions, these are the people that one can depend upon when they’re in need.  There’s an unwritten expectation that you can count on any member of your family to respond to your request for help.  Despite this, most of us are guarded with our families.

There are topics that are off limits.  You can’t discuss religion with Aunt Mary.  Don’t get Uncle Ralph started about politics.  Don’t talk about your concern for Tibet with your mother.  Those are not particularly difficult, because they’re not personal.  However, stories are told all the time by people who are openly gay – except with their families.

The truth is that we are careful when it comes to letting our families into our confidence for fear that whatever we share will come back to haunt us – repeatedly.

Friend Fallout

Much is made about the division of assets in a divorce.  There’s the concern for who gets the house, the cars, the furniture and so on.  Little is said, however, about how friends tend to divide themselves between the couple, choosing the husband, the wife, or neither.  In my own divorce, there were some friends that chose sides and others who chose to separate from both of us.  It’s as if they believed that divorce was contagious, or, perhaps more likely, they decided that we were both bad because of the divorce.

Even when friends stand by you, it’s often the case when you can feel out of place, because the things you did before were primarily as couples – and that no longer matches your status, so you’re inadvertently not invited, or you feel out of place when you are.  Ultimately, the decision to stop being a couple can have dramatic impacts on friends as well.

Guilt and Shame

One of the barriers to being able to effectively support the children involved is the guilt over a divorce.  One – or both – of the couple feel as if they’re responsible for the divorce, and as a result, they may not be able to effectively navigate the role of parent in providing support and discipline.  (See The Psychology of Not Holding Children Accountable.)  They may find themselves barely to accept themselves, and a small rejection by the children may set off waves of self-doubt and remorse that immobilizes them.

Shame, guilt’s evil cousin, expands from just that they’ve committed a bad act and instead associates that they are bad.  The absolute of “divorce is bad” becomes a permanent stain on them.  The result is they’re so focused on trying to cleanse their own guilt that they barely notice what the children need of them.

Recovery

The good news is that the effects of marital separation aren’t forever.  Weiss suggests that the typical recovery is two to four years, with the average being closer to four than two.  In my own experience, the time can vary widely outside of this range depending upon the work the person has done beforehand and the work they need to do afterwards.

There are ways that people can prepare – even while working hard to preserve their marriage.  However, sometimes there’s nothing that can be done to prevent Marital Separation.