The Joy of Connections: 100 Ways to Beat Loneliness and Live a Happier and More Meaningful Life
Dr. Ruth is all most people need to hear to know exactly who we’re talking about. In The Joy of Connections: 100 Ways to Beat Loneliness and Live a Happier and More Meaningful Life, Dr. Ruth Westheimer shares her direct style of tackling the problem of loneliness. Dr. Ruth was a sensation when she started talking directly about sexual needs and fulfilment on radio and television in the 1980s. In this book, the elderly (now recently departed) Dr. Ruth shares her loneliness as a child and after the passing of her (third, lifelong) husband.
Quality, not Quantity
Dr. Ruth explains that loneliness is about the lack of quality connections not the quantity. It’s not a competition of Facebook friends or LinkedIn connections. What matters, in her opinion, is having a few quality connections that help you believe that people see you and understand you. This echoes the insights of Sherry Turkle in Alone Together and Jonathan Haidt in The Anxious Generation. It’s who you can be open and honest with.
Sleeping with Loneliness
A unique quote from Dr. Ruth is, “I’ve been sleeping with loneliness my entire life.” From that context, loneliness was a companion. It’s a feeling that was relatively persistent. It started with the German Nazi party and the Holocaust, when she was shipped away by her mother (her father had already been taken) to protect her from the atrocities that were befalling Jews at the time. Traveling without a companion couldn’t help but get the loneliness ball rolling. While she grew up in a group home, her fellow refugees didn’t quiet the longing that had already started to pervade her soul.
She quotes from her diary on July 12, 1945: “Above all, I’m longing for a friend.” And the following day, “I live with 150 people – and I’m alone.” These quotes help to spark the understanding that loneliness – the feeling – is different than being without other people.
Love
One could expect that the conversation about love is going to come up in a book by Dr. Ruth – however, it’s not what you think. She starts by recognizing that there’s an absolute need for self-love. Until you can learn to love yourself, you can’t fully accept others’ love of you. (See also Compassion and Self-Hate.) She admits that learning to love herself took time. It took time to realize not only could she love herself but that she was worthy of others’ love as well.
It’s a Numbers Game
On the one hand, loneliness isn’t about the quantity of connections – but that doesn’t mean that it’s still not, in some respects, a numbers game. You don’t need many connections, but you’re going to need to make a lot of connections to find out which ones you can really count on when it’s important. You must “kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince.” It’s easy to get discouraged in the process if you don’t seem to be finding those solid people who will be your precious few. The unfortunate reality is that it’s all about probabilities.
Turning friends into good friends, it seems, is also a numbers game. Dr. Ruth quotes a study by Dr. Jeffrey Hall, who claims that it takes 200 hours over 6 weeks to turn a friend into a best friend. I don’t believe it’s quite that formulaic – but definitely it takes time to build relationships that will survive over the long term.
What About Me?
In a world that sells the idea that you must be connected to be real, valid, and included, it’s hard to accept that for a time you’re not connected with a romantic relationship. It’s hard to accept that you’re going through a period of estrangement with your family. It’s hard to feel like your best friends are so far away. It’s easy to wonder, “What about me?” It’s easy to think that we’re excluded from the rest of the world – but that’s not true. Dr. Ruth calls us to recognize that there will be a time when we will experience The Joy of Connections.