The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life
It was a conversation with John Gottman that led me to Erving Goffman’s The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life. (Gottman is known for his work on relationships, including The Science of Trust.) Gottman was speaking about “away behaviors” and signaling how we’re not interested in the conversation. Having previously read Goffman’s Stigma, I decided to pick up this work in the hopes of discovering more about how to identify away behaviors and coach people not to send these signals. While I didn’t find much I could use in understanding away behaviors, I did find a fascinating exploration of how we portray one view while we’re “on life’s stage” and another when we’re “backstage” with our buddies.
Acceptance and Status
One of the challenges for me in this work is that I’m particularly low on two of the motivators in the Reiss Motivational Profile that would lead to the desire to focus on impression management. (See Who Am I?) I explain in my blog post, How to Be Yourself, how challenging it can be to project an image that isn’t the real you. I deeply value the chance to know the real person – to move past the posturing and impression management to the real person. (See Trust => Vulnerability => Intimacy, Revisited.) The result is that, in some cases, the idea of presenting an image to people all the time feels strange and alien.
Many years ago, I was speaking with a friend who was working for me and talking about the reaction of some people to me when we met. In some cases, the people would inexplicably back away and disappear. She explained that I was too real for them. That they saw the authenticity that I engaged with and were scared by it. I’d never really given much thought to the degree of intimacy that people bring to non-partner interactions.
In partnered or closer relationships, there is sometimes a dynamic that emerges when one person is anxiously attached, and the other is avoidantly attached. (See Attached for attachment styles.) Depending upon the degree of insecurity in the attachment, these reactions can be triggered by securely attached individuals. I’d never considered how it might be causing people to detect too much intimacy (or realness) in everyday interactions and how they might instinctively seek to create distance via avoidance.
Suspension of Disbelief
We go to the movies and watch fantastic things. We see last-minute saves, impossible coincidences, and things that we know are too good to be true. Despite this, few of us shout out at the screen about how impossible things are. It’s called suspension of disbelief. It’s also active in the television shows that we watch – and sometimes it’s more tragic.
In relationships, we see this as blind trust. The other person is giving us reason to pause, but we unconsciously overlook it. We want so badly to trust that we’re willing to overlook the evidence that we shouldn’t – and that can lead to unsalvageable relationships once the deception is discovered.
Another place where we see disbelief is cults. The trust and belief in the leader blinds people to other potential realities. (See Terror, Love, and Brainwashing.) Even in our world today, we see the kind of polarization where we believe only what is consistent with our prior information. (See Going to Extremes.) Thomas Gilovich in How We Know What Isn’t So explains that when information contradicts what we believe, we ask if we must believe the new information – and that’s a high standard.
When it comes to the appearances that we give off – the performances on the world stage – once people are sufficiently indoctrinated to a particular view of a person, it will take substantial work to change those beliefs. There are professional actors who have explained that they were typecast. They played a villain in a popular show, and now they can only get parts as villains. Once a person (or organization) has sufficiently anchored their role into the collective consciousness, they may be able to get away with harm and no one will bat an eye.
Keeping the Dreams Quiet
It’s easier to play your part when you know the parts that others will play. It’s more predictable and safer. It’s easier to be the buyer when you know the seller will want to continue to sell to you. That’s why there are aspects that are often hidden or obscured. No one wants to buy from the person who is only there until his “real” thing happens. Dreamers are dangerous to the way that roles interact with each other.
While it’s more common these days for workers to have side-hustles that bring in extra money, employers rarely care until those side-hustles threaten to take over an employee’s main attention. They suddenly become a threat to the employer, because they risk the employee’s departure. Ironically, employers often create the very conditions they don’t want by trying to reign in side-hustles.
Anonymity
Guaranteeing anonymity has a huge impact on how honest people will be. Human resources has started implementing 360 degree feedback – meaning that you get feedback from everyone that works with an employee. Subordinates provide feedback on their manager’s performance – and if you want honest feedback, you’ve got to believe that you won’t be retaliated against. It takes courage – but the promise of anonymity lowers the bar. (See Find Your Courage.)
The desire for anonymity signals the need for it. You don’t ask the hotel clerk to not acknowledge you’re staying there unless you don’t want to be found by admiring fans, a spouse, or a stalker. Anonymity is needed most when people feel they have the most to lose.
Hidden Signals
Sometimes, the appearance transmitted to the world is designed to intentionally hide other aspects. In productions of any sort, there are people in the back and people in the front, and they often signal each other in ways that aren’t apparent to the audience. Maybe it’s a hand left on a guitar indicating a song is being added. It might be looking up at the sound engineer to indicate that there’s an audio problem. Done well, these signals are so subtle that the audience misses them while the performers communicate silently to one another.
Sometimes, these subtle signals are subliminal persuasion. (See The Hidden Persuaders.) Sometimes, they help frame the way people think. An instructor of mine in standup comedy had a joke he liked – but it only worked if he rubbed his stomach when he did it. He couldn’t explain it, but somehow that small signal was enough to turn a bomb of a joke into something that blew the roof off with laughter.
Interdependence
While some still hail independence as a pinnacle to be sought, others recognize that we’re designed for relationships. Stephen Covey in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People explains it in a business context, and others like Jonathan Haidt have explained it in evolutionary terms. (See The Righteous Mind.) The challenge is how to move to interdependence from dependence or co-dependence. Goffman calls it “justifiable reliance.” It’s a non-manipulative relationship that allows us to be dependent on each other.
Goffman proposes that we need these relationships where the walls fall down, and we don’t need to manage The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life.