A Biography of Loneliness: The History of an Emotion
When there’s a famous person that we’re interested in, we’ll read a biography. However, A Biography of Loneliness: The History of an Emotion isn’t about a person. It’s about an emotion that rose to prominence over the last several decades to the point where the US Surgeon General calls it an epidemic. It’s important enough that it deserves more discovery. I’d already read Loneliness by John Cacioppo, and it was a wonderful book. It seemed like some perspective from across the pond would add depth to my understanding – and it did.
Feeling Misunderstood, Estranged, and Rejected
There are many definitions for loneliness, but the experience of loneliness is described consistently. It’s the feeling that someone is disconnected from the rest of humanity. It’s a feeling that somehow a great gulf exists between us and others. It can bloom from feeling as though others don’t understand us. It can be triggered by a specific misunderstanding but more frequently is just a general sense that we’re out of alignment with the rest of humanity.
Sometimes, this sense of disconnection is founded in concrete reality. It can be that we’ve become estranged from some part of our family. (See Fault Lines.) While this is painful, it’s helpful to know that it’s all too common. Even Fred Rogers’ son didn’t speak with him for a while. (See Life’s Journeys According to Mister Rogers.)
Another cause for a sense of loneliness – and disconnection from others – is the specific case where we’ve been rejected by another, whether it was a simple refusal to join us for an event or a more serious rejection like a breakup or divorce. While, intellectually, we may recognize that this is one person (or perhaps a few people) and not the entire world, it doesn’t feel that way. Martin Seligman explains how things can feel personal, pervasive, and persistent in The Hope Circuit. It certainly can feel that way even if the rejection is a trivial one.
The Only Thing We Have to Fear is Fear Itself
Franklin D. Roosevelt’s inaugural address highlighted the fact that fear can be a problem itself. This is particularly true with loneliness, because fear changes the way we behave. Because of that, we often make choices that lead us toward loneliness. We pull ourselves into our shells like scared turtles, and by eliminating opportunities to interact with others, we intensify our feelings of loneliness.
Loneliness Visits All
If you find someone who says that they’ve never felt lonely, they’re probably lying. (See Telling Lies.) Loneliness – the feeling of disconnection – is a part of the human condition. Everyone feels it. The difference isn’t whether someone does or doesn’t feel lonely. The real concern is when the feeling becomes more consistent, persistent, or pervasive. While my loneliness and your loneliness may not line up in time or by contextual situation, we can understand the feeling.
Oneness, Solitude, and Loneliness
Thus far in this review, I’ve focused on the feeling that loneliness creates, because it’s the key aspect that separates two other conditions, which are often co-mingled with loneliness. The way that you can distinguish the state of being the only person in an area or a sense of solitude from loneliness is the emotional impact. In fact, if we were to arrange them on a continuum, where loneliness is the most distressful, oneness would be neutral. It’s a relatively benign observation of the count of people. The other end would be held down by solitude with the idea that this is oneness that is desired.
As an introvert, I crave time when I’m alone. (See Quiet for more on introverts.) I crave the chance to read and write uninterrupted. This isn’t to say that I don’t like time with my family – I need that, too. The point, however, is there are times when I want to be in a state of oneness.
Accountability Separates Online and Offline
When we start looking at how society has changed and the impact on loneliness, we cannot ignore the transformation that information technology and telecommunications have fueled. (See also The Upswing and The Anxious Generation for more on these changes.) While we can talk about the specific technologies and their specific impacts, there’s been a subtle shift that has made a big difference sitting below the increased opportunities the technology brings.
Take a trip back in time a little over a century ago. Travel is mostly by horse-drawn carriage, with railroad becoming an option for the more affluent. Rather than the population being concentrated in large cities, it was spread out in small hamlets and villages. Imagine you’re born into a little village. You’ll know everyone, and they’ll know you.
Structurally, your relationships will be different than they are today. If you don’t like someone, you can’t really move away. You can’t afford to be mean to them or to alienate them. You and all your neighbors know you need each other, even if you don’t like or even fully trust one another.
Today, we’re more mobile. We leave the city we grew up in to take a job in another state. We move when we don’t like our neighbors. We find ways to build a new set of friends and discard the friends we grew up with. The ease of finding and making new friends has made us less concerned about offending others.
It’s also made us less accountable. Instead of meeting our commitments, we collectively think that no one will notice. We can simply focus on ourselves rather than focusing on our integrity and character.
Even if we stand against these values, others may not. (I’ve been in my home for over 20 years in one of the three places that I grew up as a child.) We’re living in a world where people discard others because of perceived injustices without a second thought. (For more, see The Art of Community.)
The Fear of Social Death
Our fear of death is well researched. (See The Denial of Death and The Worm at the Core.) The proposal is made in this book is that our fear of loneliness may be a result of a fear of social death. We may feel that we’ll no longer be connected and “alive” to other humans. It’s this fear that drives loneliness.
Rituals
Rituals operate around us at every level. Joseph Campbell explains in The Power of Myth how rituals connect stories. In Anthro-Vision, Gillian Tett explains how rituals are connected with cultures. John and Julie Gottman explain in The Relationship Cure how critical positive rituals can be to relational health. In The Rites of Passage, Arnold van Gennep explains how rituals help us feel connected to history and each other.
If we’re struggling with loneliness, one place to look for a fix is to find rituals that we can find comfort and connection in. Maybe a good first ritual is one where you grab a drink and curl up to read a good book like A Biography of Loneliness.